In recent years I’ve taken a big step away from cowriting. I never got to the level of some of my Nashville friends who do 2-3 a day, but there was a point where I was writing three times a week. A lot of these were online, for convenience over long distances. While it’s certainly handy to type into one Google doc at the same time, you do miss a bit of the magic that comes with being in the room together; bobbing your heads in time, catching a line someone whispers under their breath. On Zoom it’s easy to walk away when the flow stops. Live in person I’m more likely stick it out, to fight for the right rhyme or cry over the wrong verb.
Gradually I amassed a huge backlog of semi-finished songs that weighed on me. I do enjoy songwriting for the sake of itself, but I started to feel guilty about work tapes that were collecting dust, especially as my ear for arrangements improved and I could imagine full productions. Midway through 2020 I put a hard pause on all cowriting with the intent of catching up. To my surprise, it helped me fall back in love with writing alone. Maybe what I actually craved was the freedom to explore the ideas I wanted, without having to answer to anyone else.
This song is a little about cowriting and a lot about being alone; the distance between the heat of a moment and the slow realizations that settle in over time. As much as one can aim to live with no regrets, memory is a strange thing. I’ve often struggled to separate my wishes from reality, dismissing my intuition out of determination. In the moment, it can be hard to tell the difference between growing pain and just pain. A good 90% of the time, I feel at peace with the decisions I’ve made. This song is about that other 10%. KM
Our Last Song
I slammed the keys again
Tore out a page, ripped it to shreds
I felt your eyes burn a hole in the back of my head
Another night I might’ve turned around
Fired back another curse
But I walked away
So well-rehearsed
If I’d known that would be our last song
I’d call you up and admit I was wrong
If I’d known that would be our last song
I’d give up pretending I’m strong
If I’d known that would be our last song
I would’ve written it twice as long
I let the time slide
We’ll never know where it went
Guess that’s what happens when the friction slips
And the tension’s too intense
Another fight, I might romanticize
Dream about what could’ve been
Now it hurts my heart to hear the silence
If I’d known that would be our last song
I’d call you up and admit I was wrong
If I’d known that would be our last song
I’d give up pretending I’m strong
If I’d known that would be our last song
I would’ve written it twice as long
We cut the silver thread
Too delicate to mend
I’ve lost a lot of a lovers
I never thought I’d lose you as a friend
If I’d known that would be our last song
I’d call you up and admit I was wrong
If I’d known that would be our last song
I’d give up pretending I’m strong
If I’d known that would be our last song
I would’ve written it twice as long