Running Backwards

I’ve heard it said that past 35 years old people either start having kids or start training for a marathon. You can guess which option I chose.

I spent a good chunk of 2022 revisiting an old high school pastime: dance gaming. I bought a fancy home system and spent Tuesday afternoons hanging around the arcade, collecting scores to rank up in an online league. Some dancers I met there were chatting about a just-for-fun run club; how it was helping their stamina and foot speed. In the moment, I had an overwhelming feeling of bitterness – “oh, you’re those people” – but I smiled and nodded along politely. Later, I wondered why I’d had such a strong reaction. I dug a little deeper and realized I was envious. Some part of me wanted to be a runner. So, I started running as a new year’s resolution for 2023.

I didn’t immediately fall in love with running, but I liked the feeling of achievement after each short session. I appreciated the wealth of free knowledge and simple training plans I found online. I followed a treadmill couch-to-5k plan and journaled along the way. Every time I was tempted to skip a workout I could read my celebratory recap of the last, and that helped me power through. When I completed the program, I bought new shoes and hit the river trails. I raced a 5k that spring, a 10k in the fall, and found a virtual run club that sent me enamel pins and medals in the mail as I logged miles. Now I’m gearing up for my first half marathon, just a couple weeks away. It’s been a long, slow process (and I’m still pretty slow, averaging around 11-minute miles on long runs). But now I jog in place at stoplights and exchange deep nods with other runners on the trail. I have become one of “those people”, and running has become the perfect metaphor for my life. It’s invigorating and grounding, exhausting and exhilarating. I find I crave running the same way I crave singing and dancing. So of course, imagery of running has found its way into my scribbles and songs.

The mental game of running fascinates me, and that inspired me to follow various athletes and “runfluencers”. I realize I am extremely fortunate to come into the sport from a place of security and genuine curiosity for what my body can accomplish. Reading the stories of others, I’ve seen that isn’t the case for many, who may have started running to lose weight, battle shame, or appease toxic people and their twisted beliefs. Self talk is powerful, and it’s easy to get sucked into a spiral that turns the rhythm of your feet hitting pavements into torture. That’s the feeling I wanted to explore in this song.

My runs along the river trails are underscored by maximalist pop and EDM, not unlike the dance games I love. Those are the sounds and textures I’d like to bring into this production when I circle back to it. I’m still practicing the synth and sound design tricks I learned in my last class. We’ll see how close I can get to the vision on my own, before I try looping in a collaborator. KM

Running Backwards

It’s spring again
Rain collected
Muddy tire tracks
Dodging my reflection
Pear blossoms at my feet
Wind in my hair
Pass by the same old streets
I won’t go there

My legs are stronger now
I know this battleground
Hear my heart beating
And I keep on repeating

I always say I’m done running backwards
So I run even faster
I always say I’m done running backwards
But I can’t get past her

She comes around
Same expression
Razors in her mouth
Claws extended

My legs are stronger now
I know this battleground
Hear my heart beating
And I keep on repeating

I always say I’m done running backwards
So I run even faster
I always say I’m done running backwards
But I can’t get past her

She’s the villain and the saint
The victim that I blame
The scar that never fades
I’ll take her to the grave

I always say I’m done running backwards
So I run even faster
I always say I’m done running backwards
But I can’t get past her